the tampering of my heart

i know i shouldn’t be writing this, but somedays i just feel like the world is caving in on me and i don’t have anyone to turn to. you told me to write less sad stuff, and i want desperately to write happy stuff too, but how can i? i still can’t believe that god would give me someone so amazing and then take you right back. i am trying my hardest to get over you, but every time i crawl out of the bottomless pit, something would kick me back in.

why do i still care about you?

why does everything i do still remind me of you?

it hurts to know that you’re moving on without me, it’s like i never mattered to you. you’re erasing me from your life and i can’t blame you for that. i’ve always been a direct and confrontational person, and it’s tearing me apart that i can’t talk to you. that we can’t even be friends even though you said we would. i’m sorry i am so weak, i’m trying my hardest to take care of myself. i’ve been leaving reminders everywhere, for myself. but it’s still difficult to see through this thick haze. why do i feel everything in extremes? when i’m happy, i radiate. when i am sad, i crash. i hate how my heart works. how do you move on so quickly? please teach me your ways.

you probably don’t read my posts on here anymore. but if you just happen to come across this, i just wanted to say that i miss you. you can’t just enter my heart then forcibly extract yourself from it.

you used to be nothing, then you became everything. how do i make you go back to being nothing to me?

 

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chordae tendineae

my friends would give me sympathetic looks and tight-lipped smiles; as i sometimes swear that i hear your voice in crowded rooms

the rain hasn’t stopped pouring down on the roof of my heart; i sometimes swear that this is just a nightmare that i have yet to wake up from

delusions of my phone lighting up, but when i unlock it, there are no notifications; i sometimes swear that you still love me

how are you?

sometimes i wonder if you sit surrounded by suffocating silence as you look to your left at the passenger seat and do you miss me; do you miss the feeling of our hands clasped so tightly together, we almost forgot that the road wasn’t ours and there were other cars around us, yet we didn’t care who was looking, every time we kissed i felt like flying, and do you miss telling me the tiniest happenings of your every day; and you said that you make mistakes and are not flawless, yet you knew that my arms were your solace, and do you miss us talking about the most random things, do you miss fooling around and kissing and do you miss the taste of my lips on your mouth, do you miss the impromptu outings and arbitrary decisions we made, especially after an entire day of lazing around in your bed and when the songs that i recommended you come on shuffle, do you feel choked up inside, like there are pebbles stuck in your throat that no matter how much you swallow, they don’t disappear, do people that look like me make you do a double take, do thoughts of me keep you awake, and do you miss laughing about silly things with me and all the inside jokes we shared, do you miss all the good times we had?

because i do. fuck. i miss you.

yearn /jəːn/

verb//

i go to sleep, i wake up. i distract myself by writing; but it’s hard to write when my muse is you. i’ve almost completed the entire book of kafka on the shore. i manage to get a lot of reading done; but at the same time, i also read into a lot of other things. my mind tends to run wild. i thought that if i were to talk less to you, if i were to distance myself, i would stop thinking of you, i would stop missing you. but it only makes me miss you more. i see you in everything, i wonder if it’s the same for you? you appear in random intervals of my day. i miss you. i’m trying though, to miss you less. but i still miss you. when will this dull ache ever go away? when will this distinguished emptiness disappear? i miss you. i will stop playing nonchalant if you were to come back to me. i miss you more than ever, i hope you’re doing fine.

oblivion

he thinks that i tell him to listen to certain songs
because they are melodious

he doesn’t know that all of the songs remind me of him;
and i listen to those songs when i am at my loneliest

he thinks that it’s my first time hearing and laughing
to the stories he tells me

he doesn’t know that i’ve heard them many times before
and i wouldn’t mind listening to them for a thousand more

he thinks that i would have probably gotten
accustomed to his presence

he doesn’t know that when i see him i still get butterflies;
his very existence is my favourite present

~

i listened to this track while writing this poem:

notions

we tend to take too many things for granted
granted that they will still be there when we wake up
up, up and away
away from this cycle
cycle of never-ending nothingness and trivial matters
matters so much yet we just let the dust settle
settle for something more
more than what we already have
have you forgotten to remember
remember me when you least want to
to love when it gets hard too
too many times we overlook the good
goodbyes are no doubt the hardest to say
say that you’ll be with me every day.

missing you is my forte

it was only one month ago
that we were on our tippy toes
comfortable silence and careless kisses
thinking of you during this rainy weather
missing the warmth from your arms
snaked around my waist
we’ve got no time to waste
as every second with you is precious
when did i get so used to this consistency
i’ve never experienced so much emotional stability
as the rain is pouring down
i feel like i am drifting off to sleep
wishing you were here with me
but for now, i’ll miss you until the next time we meet

loving in convoluted ways

we are too alike and they say that you have to be opposites in order to attract but somehow we always connect and i wonder how long are we going to last are you going to end up like one of the men from my past i hope not i hope you’re different i hope my love for you will be sufficient and despite the fact that i constantly feel like i’m not good enough but with you i can get through the times that are rough; this courage that i finally mustered, didn’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve that’s why i’m so reserved; though you are the storm and i am the calm, it feels like you know me like the back of my palm, and people say that hurricanes only create destruction and i think it would be unbearable if one day you looked at me with repulsion; i always tell you to live in the present not the past, i guess i am taking my own advice at last and i know i am not the easiest to please, but right now your eyes seem so hard to resist and i just don’t want our efforts to turn to dust, therefore in you i place my trust so i’m just going to take a leap of faith, that you will hold me even on my lowest days.